You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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