i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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