i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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