he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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