Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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