I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
