where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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