I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
