he puts the penis in happiness.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
