if you like me you must not know who I am
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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