one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
