just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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