i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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