I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
