things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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