Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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