Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
