you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
