forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
