mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
