I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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