I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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