i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
