I think my vagina is haunted
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
