I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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