Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
