I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
