I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
