neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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