i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
