He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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