Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
