Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
