I think i sorta joined a cult last night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
did i just pee glitter
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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