Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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