we have pet lesbian snakes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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