Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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