The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
