I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
