I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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