The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
