3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
