Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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