I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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