just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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