when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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