Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
