i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
