i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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