I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
