I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
