phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
