So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
