hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
