dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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