i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
