He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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